Dating. I hated it then, and I hate it now. Ok, hate is a harsh word, but I sincerely + strongly dislike everything about dating for an abundance of reasons. I'll explain them throughout...

Dating Prior to Kids:

(Maybe initially meet in person, but most likely not because everyone is lazy.) Add me to social media, slip into my DMs and ask for my number. Let's text for a while and flirt. Let's make plans and cancel on one another a few times (just for fun - because we can't show how much we like one another. Must.Play.Mind.Games). Let's finally hang out. I'll put effort into my appearance. I'll even go shopping for a new outfit. Let's plan to meet somewhere for drinks and appies and see where the night takes us. Either A, we're not going to vibe, and we'll end up never seeing or speaking to one another ever again, or B, there will be a second date. This time let's do something fun! A hike? A day at the beach? Maybe you'll bring your dog. Huge steps!

More mind games played.

*I think he lost interest. Maybe it was something I said? What did I do? Did I scare him off?*

Oh, phewf, another text. He must still be into me.

Just kidding!

Fizzle

Repeat above with next soon-to-be old news.

tired.

Dating With Kids:

Swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, awkward... I know that person (ew), *take sip of wine*, swipe left, swipe left, *take bigger sip of wine*, swipe right (I guess).

"Hey, how's it going?" (Original first line!)

Small talk...

Bla

"Would it be ok to ask for your number?"

Begin texting...

Play the 21 questions game like 17 year olds.

"We should meet up soon!"

*Ughh does this mean I have to shower, wash my hair, AND put something other than lulus on?*

"That sounds great!"

*Exhausted already, thinking of the soon-to-be awkward face-to-face interview process, I mean date.*

"So, how about this weekend sometime?"

"Sorry, I can't. I have my son."

"Hey, no worries, how about some time early next week?"

*Leave my house AFTER work during the week? Like, that is THE most exhausting thing I could possibly think about doing. Ever.*

I think I'll just stay home and eat mini eggs. It's not going to work out anyhow. I mean, the chances of a lunar eclipse happening while getting struck by lighting on my birthday while naked is more likely.

My Thoughts on the G H O S T I N G Phenomenon:

As per Urban Dictionary, ghosting is known as "the act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just "get the hint" and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested."

A.K.A. Spineless, immature people who need a high five... to the face... with a chair.

Ghosting has, unfortunately, happened to me more than once. I'll never understand why people just can't simply even throw out a text message coming up with a lame excuse, or better yet, just speak the damn truth. Ew. Once someone ghosts me, every ounce of me that was once attracted them before quickly turns into gag reflexes with puke in my mouth at the mere thought of that person. I mean, thanks for doing me the favour of peacing out, because you were never good enough for my life in the first place. Having said that, you still need to grow a set and then kick rocks.

My T O P 2 Most Honourable, I Mean HORRIFC, Dates:

#2: After the whole swipe left, swipe right ordeal, I was chatting and texting with a guy from Vancouver for quite some time. We finally decided to meet one summer evening. Because I don't work in the summer, I agreed to meet him near his place downtown once he got off work. I drove, found parking, and hopped out of my vehicle to feed the meter. As I was standing there, I felt my flip flop snap. It broke. I had no extra pairs of shoes in my car. Since I drove 45 mins (the things I do, I swear), I didn't want to just drive home, I actually wanted to meet this guy. I called him, and could barely tell him what had happened because I was laughing so hard. I told him I could drive home, or if he had another idea I was willing to listen. The brilliant idea he had was for me to walk with one flip flop to the nearest store to purchase a new pair. So, the closest store was a drug store, and the only pair they had that weren't tourquoise, gardening-like sandles were a black pair that looked like they could have belonged to my grandmother. What a deal at the checkout when I had to pay over $14.00 for these bad boys. The dude and I ended up walking along the water and chatting, and that was about it. We chuckled every few minutes when one of us looked down and caught a glimpse of the Granny sandals. I never saw or heard from him again. I was more mad at the fact I'll never get that 14 dollars back.

#1: So, I met this guy out one night. I was with a few girlfriends, he was with a few of his friends. One of my friends knew one of his friends, so our two groups hung for the majority of the night. At some point I exchange numbers with the guy I had been chatting with for most of the night. He contacted me several days later and asked if I wanted to "meet up", a guy's version of a *cough* date. So, we planned to "meet up" at a local Starbucks (super original). He was late and I was waiting for what seemed like an eternity. I was texting with my bff, asking her how long I should wait before I throw in the towel and leave. About 20 minutes later I could foresee what was about to happen. There's NO way he would be rolling up in a 1985 rusted 4 door Honda Civic, right?! "Oh god, it's him, it's him. Is there room for me to crawl under this table and eventually evaporate so that I don't have to deal with this?" As I'm watching out the Starbucks window (semi-hiding), I see movement. He's not getting out of his door, rather he's hopping over to the pasenger seat. "What the actual eff? No. No. Make it stop. There's no way. Omg, this isn't happening." He exited his vehicle via the passenger side door, and proceeded to limp into Starbucks. I greeted him, we hugged and made small talk as we waited in line to grab some drinks. He explained to me that his driver side door didn't work. No shit! We ordered together, and I paid. Here's where I wanted to run. Let me explain, because I am definitely all for showing a guy I can pay, and that I want to pay, but when you don't even flinch, and you've got alligator arms that are too short to reach your pockets, that's when I get pissed. Pretend you want to pay. Make an attempt. Fool me for a second. When you literally just sit back and watch a woman pay, do you legitimately feel good about yourself? There's no way. Ok, so already ticked and ready to run, he asks if I'm interested in going for a walk. (I mentioned above that he was limping, right?) So I asked him if he was in ok condition to walk (mainly because I thought this would be my ideal out). He suggested we sit because he had something to tell me. In this moment, I remember not being able to swallow, and I legitimately felt as if I was suffocating. We sat and he explained a bizarre accident he had been in which left him having to have his leg amputated. He had a prosthetic leg. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. In fact, this is the only moment I felt compassionate and sympathetic for him. My problem with this situation is how the eff did I not notice this when I met him and spent and entire evening chatting with him at the bar? So, after convincing me a walk was "just what he needed", I proceeded to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. Shortly into this walk, he let me know he lived at home with his parents and that he was still currently hungover from last night because he was out celebrating with his buddy who was just released from prison. I don't even know if I any other words came out of my mouth other than, "oh ya" and "cool" for the duration of our walk. After what seemed like a lifetime, we finally returned to our cars, said our goodbyes, and I watched him struggle from his passenger side over to his driver side. N e v e r s a w h i m a g a i n.

So, Where Am I Now?

I am drinking wine alone in my bed (several nights per week), spending time with my family, soaking up every minute I have with my threenager, and focusing on myself. In recent dating news, I have been negatively blind-sided by the unexpected (side note: never date a good friend), I have been ghosted by the least anticipated, and I have opted out of not taking on another child, I mean "man", who isn't mature enough for a real relationship. I have so much to offer, but I'm not offering it to just anyone. I know what I deserve and I know what I want, and if I don't feel it's right, then I'm completely fine opting to be by myself.

I'd continue to swipe left and right, but my thumb is sore, my mind is boggled, and I much prefer the comfort of my own home, while in my bra-less, lulu attired, zero make-up state of appearance than to go on meaningless dates.